Understanding Child to Parent Abuse

*Trigger warning – this is a highly sensitive and emotive topic, and one that so many parents in our community experience in silence, or without support from professionals. Our aim is to raise more awareness of CPA (Child to Parent Abuse) and remove the stigma surrounding this very distressing topic*

Read a real-life account of child to parent abuse here.

With the support of PEGS, we’re pleased to be able to offer support and guidance to families and professionals impacted by and working with cases of child to parent abuse. This is a topic that deserves more attention, rather than being stigmatised leading to families suffering in silence, unsupported by authorities and professionals who don’t know enough about parent to child abuse, or simply denying that there is a problem (often out of fear that their child will be criminalised).

We’ve written this blog to provide you with an overview of Child to Parent Abuse, covering the most common questions and signposting you to the expertise of PEGS.

Who are PEGS?

“PEGS is a not-for-profit organisation which relies on income from professional training and generous donations from funders in order to support families impacted by CPA. We do not charge parents for accessing our services, as we want them to be available regardless of financial status. We also know that a majority of parents will have had to reduce their working hours or quit their job altogether as a result of the behaviours they are experiencing.”

What is ‘Child to Parent Abuse’?

The term ‘abuse’, we’ve found, can sometimes cause distress as we don’t associate the actions of our children with such strong terminology usually. ‘Abuse’, to many people, has totally different connotations but quite simply, if an adult is being subjected to certain unwanted behaviours from their child, it is absolutely abuse and nobody should ever live in fear of another person – even if that person is their child, and regardless of if their child has SEND and/or SEMH needs. Understanding and compassion for the young person is, of course, absolutely essential, but it’s vital that we also ensure that adults who are victims of CPA (Child to Parent Abuse) understand that this is something that they don’t need to experience in silence.

Examples of CPA can be:

• Financial (demanding money, running up debts in the parent’s name, theft)
• Physical (punching, spitting, kicking and other physical harm)
• Verbal (threats, swearing, insults)
• Emotional and psychological (humilation, mind games)
• Digital (threats on social media)
• Sexual (inappropriate behaviour or language, sexual assault).
• Coercive and controlling (restricting behaviour, isolating parents from outside world)
• Causing damage (to property or items)

Myths about Child to Parent Abuse:

There are so many myths surrounding CPA (child to parent abuse) – PEGS are working tirelessly to debunk these myths, ensuring that families who are in need of formal support are given understanding and realistic advice, rather than being dismissed or poorly advised by authorities, schools and other people in their lives. Here are some of the most common myths shared by PEGS:

• “Only children who have witnessed abuse will abuse a parent or carer” – this is false. 55% of families working with PEGS have no experience of abuse.
• “Only certain types of family experience CPA” – child to parent abuse can affect any family.
• “It’s caused by bad parenting” – this is absolutely not true
• “Child to parent abuse only happens when a child has SEND or SEMH” – this is untrue, whilst these factors can increase the chances of child to parent abuse
• “Here’s the solution…” – there is no straightforward solution to child to parent abuse, but with the right network of tailored support, you can make progress.

I’m experiencing abuse from my child – what can I do?

This is such a delicate situation and will depend highly upon your family dynamic and child, but these tips shared by PEGS are really useful for families dealing with child to parent abuse, both during the incident and in the aftermath. Please know that these lists are not exhaustive, but will hopefully be helpful to you or anybody you know who is experiencing child to parent abuse.

During the Child to Parent Abuse incident:

• Always call the police if anyone is in danger of harm
• It’s absolutely ok to go to another room if you’re struggling to cope
• If you’re able to get outside, even a short walk can give you some breathing space to decompress
• Use any coping strategies which you know work for you as an individual and try anything new if you think it may help
• It’s okay to address CPA behaviour when the situation is more settled, rather than at the time of the incident

After the Child to Parent Abuse incident:

• Use calm time in between incidents to recover and plan de-escalation strategies for future incidents.
• Focus on any positive behaviour, no matter how minor.
• If you are separated from the other parent and they are involved, ask for their support as long as this does not place you at risk.
• Reach out to friends and family members, away from your child.
• Create a safety plan for yourself, and log all behaviours in a journal/diary that you can keep secure.

Join our online webinar on Identifying & Understanding Child to Parent Abuse

We hope that the information we’ve provided in this blog post has helped you to feel validated in your concerns, if you’re a parent experiencing this highly difficult situation or if somebody in your life may be. This webinar is specifically designed to help and support parents, carers, and guardians who are experiencing child to parent abuse, so we’d highly recommend registering and attending.

PEGS – Parents Education Growth Support – will be delivering this 2-hour session covering the following:

• What is CPA (Child to Parent Abuse)?
• What can CPA look like? (Types of abuse)
• How can it affect your family?
• What to do if you’re experiencing CPA?
• Tips and support

As always there will be time for questions throughout the presentation.

Slides, references and CPD certificates will be available to attendees for 30 days after the live session. Due to the nature of the session there will be NO RECORDING AVAILABLE.

ABOUT OUR SPEAKER

PEGS – full name Parental Education Growth Support – was founded as a response to the lack of support services specifically designed to help parents, carers and guardians experiencing Child to Parent Abuse.

Supporting parents – these services are, and will always remain, free and open to any parental figure regardless of the age of their child (including adult offspring).

Training professionals – including police services, social care teams, charities and other frontline services.

Influencing regional and national policy – PEGS founder Michelle John works with organisations to develop, implement and improve their CPA policies and frameworks.

Raising awareness – this is done via traditional, social and digital media as well as events and speeches.

If you’re keen to join us on this webinar, get in quickly as spaces are filling up quickly!

Watch this space for our YouTube video content covering Child to Parent Abuse – for now, why not come and subscribe?